Concerned About Civil War? Don’t Be! The Enemy is a Comedy Show

Inside the Woke Fantasy Army That Gets PTSD from Mean Tweets

NOTE: If you're more of a reader than a listener, no worries—the full article is below.

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“Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.” — Dr. Sidney Freedman, MASH

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Last night, I started wondering what a real American Civil War 2.0 would look like if the Left finally get what they keep pretending to want. At first, I couldn’t picture it—because let’s be honest, the idea of blue-haired TikTok influencers and non-binary sociology majors storming the battlefield doesn’t exactly scream Braveheart.

But then… it hit me! Their army wouldn’t be a force—it would be a farce. Slapstick. Screwball comedy. Just like the hilarious movies and TV shows I grew up on.

Certainly not…

…disciplinarian Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket.

…bad asses Sergent’s Elias or Barnes from Platoon.

…unshakeable Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now.

No! Their outfit of sad sacks would be a laughable mashup of MASH, F-Troop, Hogan’s Heroes, McHale’s Navy, Stripes—only with more crying, less courage, and a lot more gender-neutral pronouns. It would be a full-blown parody.

The thought of this made me laugh so hard I nearly spit my drink out. Now it’s your turn! In the spirit of vintage absurdity, allow me to introduce you to the cast of America’s upcoming Leftist meltdown—the war movie nobody asked for, starring the people nobody would follow into a bathroom, let alone battle.

And hey, if you’re too young to remember these classics, consider this a cinema history lesson—one that doesn’t require a safe space or a trigger warning.

MASH

Rachel Maddow as Major Frank Burns: Because both men have ferret faces, all the warmth of a spreadsheet, and suck harder at their jobs than a Dyson vacuum.

Dylan Mulvaney as Corporal Max Klinger: Because both show up to war in heels and think courage means changing outfits three times before brunch.

Pete Buttigieg as Corporal Radar O’Reilly: Because both are terrified of women—though in Mayor Pete’s case, it’s less about nerves and more about…well, preference.

Beto O’Rourke as Captain Benjamin Hawkeye Pierce: Because they both need distractions. Hawkeye drinks to forget the war. Beto skateboards to forget his three lost elections.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Major Margaret Houlihan: Because both are the butt of everyone’s jokes—“Hot Lips” when she loses her towel in the shower. AOC every day when she says…well, anything.

F-TROOP

Elizabeth Warren as Chief Wild Eagle: Because both don feathers and claim tribal status—One for a sitcom. The other for tenure.

HOGAN’S HEROES

Adam Schiff as Colonel Wilhelm Klink: Because both are notorious for bragging—Klink about medals he didn’t earn. Schiff about whistleblowers that don’t exist.

Gavin Newsom as Colonel Robert Hogan: Because both lead like they’re starring in a shampoo commercial—slick, smirking, and way too impressed with their own reflection.

Tim Walz as Sergeant Hans Schultz: Because “I know nothing!” isn’t just their go to line—it’s Walz’s governing philosophy and 2028 election tagline.

MCHALE’S NAVY

Michael Moore as Lt. Commander Quinton McHale: Because both are more likely to sink the ship with their lunch order than lead it into battle.

Brian Stelter as Ensign Charles Parker: Because neither is a leader. Parker can’t lead a rowboat. Stelter can’t lead a Q&A unless it’s pre-approved by the DNC.

STRIPES

Kamala Harris as Private John Winger: Because both start their mornings with cough syrup and end them by giving their significant others the full Aunt Jemima treatment.

Sunny Hostin as Private Francis Soyer: Because both deliver deranged monologues. "Psycho” threatens to kill anyone who touches his stuff. Sunny accuses them of racism, misogyny, and microaggressions.

Yes, these are the brave cast of characters who will lead the Left when the war starts.

Go ahead. It’s ok—you can laugh.

Here’s Today’s Reality Check: Mocking the Left’s fantasy of Civil War victory is easy—because their “army” looks like a woke improv troupe hosted by Comedy Central. They wouldn’t last two days against a platoon of pissed-off patriots and weekend deer hunters.

But mostly—because foxholes don’t come with tampons.

Patriots, here are my questions for you: Are you losing sleep over Pete in a foxhole or Dylan in heels? Do you think Michael Moore would make it 100 feet without a stretcher and a snack? If this is the army they’d send, should we even call it a war—or just a mass participation trophy event?

Drop a comment below. I read every single one.